I don't mean to pick you apart you see, But I can't help it

She was right. Things are different now. She is different. She is treating us differently. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's a little reserved. A little indignant. A little smart ass. A little embarrassed? I don't know. I am probably different too. I don't understand her choices. And I am working to separate my disappointment from the obvious. That she is in denial. I am reminding myself that these are her choices; these are not my choices, and frankly they have very little impact on my life.

Oh, alright. Her choices should have very little impact on my life. And possibly I'm the one making wrong choices by assuming I can help her. That I can talk her out of this situation. "C'mon, just leave that asshole. Your kids are depending on you." I understand that it's not that easy. But are things getting any easier otherwise?

It's always interesting when friendships and social circles change and evolve. I did see some kind of change approaching in the group I associate with. There are layers of people in this group. In other words, there are a few I call very close friends and spend a lot of time with. There are a few I consider to be good fun and I enjoy seeing them, when it happens. There are a whole bunch that are really just acquaintances. Over the course of the last couple of years I have watched a group of about 20 women (and sometimes their husbands too) tripping all over themselves and one another to gain that "best friend" status. I have seen a few of the gals drift off and spend more time together. I have seen couples become good friends with other couples and hang out a lot together. I have seen the parents who have girls start to formulate their own cliques and not include the parents who have boys. (By the way, the parents of boys always want to include the parents of girls because when little girls are around, our little boys are much happier. But that's a topic for another day.) I have seen those who have (a lot) more money than the rest of us gravitate to one another. I have seen social circles within social circles, and feelings have been hurt. I have seen that a lot.

I am mostly sitting on the sidelines watching this parade. She brought me to this charade. She introduced me into all of this. She is the first person I met within this group. She has always held this over my head, usually in an unspoken way. But sometimes she has been blatant, and basically informed me and my husband and a few of our other friends that we would never know these people had it not been for her. I know that sounds incredibly rude of her. What other way is there to meet people, right? But I have to say that the anti-social person in me has unconsciously said, 'ok, if I have to include you every time I associate with anyone else that we now mutually know as 'friends', then I won't actively seek to hang out with anyone, because, you know what? That's fucked.'

I've never said that to her. Or to anyone. I'm just saying that sometimes I have been mostly comfortable with the level of my social involvement within this massive group of women. Women who quite frankly scare the shit out of me. The last time I associated with this many women at the same time, I was singing the Greek alphabet and doing Jager shots, and even then I was not totally convinced that I felt comfortable with this kind of forced sexism. The guys are more fun to do Jager shots with anyway.

So as I've been watching the group start to drift off into smaller groups and cliques, and as I've watched the girls choose their "besties", I've had the foresight to see that this is all going to fall apart. And when my introduction into the circle is drifting, so is my involvement in the social scene that is Naples.

Or is it? This could be my opportunity to spend more time with people I like but have not really made an effort to socialize with on an individual basis.

Last weekend we hung out with her and her asshole husband. God, he is really an asshole. My husband was a saint, however, and made a huge effort to engage with the asshole, and ultimately pretend that we are all friends. It kind of feels like we are on a reality TV program and we are all pretending for the cameras. But as soon as we leave to go home, and the cameras are off, we can be ourselves again. We can talk honestly again. We are real.

Her husband is out of town again. She wants me to come over tonight, bring the kids, swim, play, drink wine. I so want to go and drill her again. What's going on? How are things with the asshole? Has he blown up and thrown any wine glasses across the room? But she has told me she doesn't want to talk about it every time I see her. Me thinks a few glasses of wine could change all that. I just wonder what else will change. And is it me? Or is it her?

Oh Really?

The Heart of the Matter

I had to process and download. It took several days. It totally exhausted me. My eyes were droopy and my head fucking hurt.

There were a lot of conversations. In the end I apologized, and I also said I didn't think I had done anything wrong. When I said I thought I hadn't done anything wrong I felt like I was being insensitive. She made me second guess myself.

We talked, sort of, about all the marriage drama. She basically told me that she feels ostracized for telling us about this. I told her she was wrong. Flat out wrong. This all started earlier than that.

She explained that she felt hurt. Sad. She was probably jealous. She didn't say so.

It turns out she had a terrible 7 year anniversary. I don't know the details, but I know it wasn't a happy day. And after cooking and cleaning and putting the kids to bed, she turned on Facebook to see what was up. She felt slapped in the face when she saw her good friends hanging out, again, without having been invited. I get it. That does suck.

She lashed out at us. We still don't know details of that day. It was supposed to have been her 7 year anniversary. But she ended the day pissed at us about a Facebook photo.

It all makes me think about myself. My own relationship. I realize I'm a real fucking loud mouth. I would not go one single day without bitching that mother fucker out. Without just leaving. I know the house could be mine, but I'd get the fuck out, with my kids. And then tell him to pack and get out.

Whatever. It's not about me. And she told me that.

She said that she doesn't want to talk about this every time she sees me. I am part of her escape; her way out. Less thinking. More drinking.

And now I'm stuck between my gut instinct and my friend's wishes. What is this place? I've never been here. I don't feel welcome.

How does it end?

There are three broad possibilities:

1. He beats her or humiliates her to a point where she cannot ignore it publicly
2. He leaves her
3. My friendship with her ends, at some point down the road. It has already ended with her husband, and he knows it.

I think I can take them. Game on.

The New Age of Friendship

I am at a total loss for words. I'm here to try document this. For myself, I guess. It's as though I went back in time, to high school, where egos are easily bruised, and cliques are tight. It's as though everything I thought we all had learned over time is completely irrelevant.

Tonight I went to my friend's house after work. This is the 'other' friend, the one who is also in the know about the beatings that we have heard so much about.

My husband and kids were there. How we all ended up there is irrelevant, but it shouldn't be. So there we are. We are making dinner. We are teaching each other how to make "healthy food". Whatever that is. That's what was going on. Lots of fun, silliness, and 5 kids running around.

A picture was posted on Facebook. And 3 minutes later, a text message, from the girl I've been telling you about:

Why is it that the ____ family is always left out of the mix? A tad upset over _________ but truly upset over tonight and the post on facebook? Thanks...

Whoa. Out of left fucking field. So you understand, the first blank is their last name and the second blank is a reference she made to another event in which a pic was posted on Facebook.

Not that I need to explain anything, but both events included circumstances that were not intentional or premeditated. I totally know and agree I don't have to explain it, but that's that truth.

So we're all in shock and awe. What the fuck. Do we respond? How? Does she seriously not: A) understand that she spilled her guts to us and said her husband beats her and she's not in love with him anymore? and, B) understand that shit happens? People get together, it's not personal?

Ok, yea, yea. I am going to say right now that I get that everyone has jealousy and it happens. It just happens that you wish you were somewhere you aint. But how is that my problem??

We hem and haw. My friend replies to the text. I forget what she said, but something like, 'Are you serious?'

We get another text. It says:

Totally upset... sad... disappointed..very...

Huh. Well then. Now what? We know we've done nothing wrong. And we still cannot understand why she would think we'd want to hang out with her family, as if nothing is wrong. Oh yea, and remember that one detail in the post below? Today is their 7 year anniversary!

We get another text. Its says:

Knew this would happen.... very upset...

Jesus christ. This is fucking ridiculous. So I finally reply. I say:

Knew what would happen?? I'm totally confused. We need to talk. Since tonight is your anniversary i'm assuming you're not available??

She never replied. My friend and I went outside to call her. She didn't answer. We left a message saying please call us. Nothing. We text her. We say something like, 'wow lots of texts and you can't talk?? pretty shitty.'

She says:

Me being shitty? Hardly. I go out of my way for both of u and am a complete friend all the time. u know that.. totally hurt by your actions...

and then another:

Heading to bed... exhausted...

Through the whole thing I only replied to her once and left her one voicemail. I am pretty hurt but not in a cry-my-eyes out way. I'm not stalking mad. I'm just so confused. How the fuck can she disregard everything she has said? She wants a fairy tale life.

I guess I am in untethered waters here. I don't know what's up or down at this point. I don't know where my place is or what I should say, or when, or to whom.

Yes, I know and understand that I'm writing about Facebook photos and text messages. That I haven't even talked to her. But I'm still unhinged. It's unreal to me that she would send messages like that. I understand she is angry and upset, and hurt. I don't understand what I did. I really don't.

I've decided to take what I've learned in life, and to finally apply it here. Right now. I'm not saying anything. I'm not replying with my one liners, my trite comments, my honesty. I'm staying quiet right now. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Something's Gotta Change; Things Cannot Stay the Same

So I haven't actually talked to her since they returned from their night away. An anniversary celebration. Gag me.

But I have received a few text messages, and I saw some shit on Facebook. What a joke. They are in love again, or at least that is what she's telling herself. One night away - 30 hours total - and the problems of the world are solved. Voila! They must have magic in the water there!

Uh huh. They sat by the adults only pool, had some "great talks", went to a fancy dinner, played cards, drank, probably had sex. I shudder to think how he must order her around. I have some knowledge of their sex life. A little, not too much. I know that he is extremely selfish. And I don't mean he cums first and then falls asleep. I mean he demands that she perform acts on him as a kind of tit for tat. Something along these lines:

Him: So, you want to go out with your girlfriends? You can go but first you have to give me a blowjob now, and also give me one when you get home.

Gross, huh? I think so. I'm not a blowjob kind of gal, but that is just wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. If she and he were like sex kittens and constantly going at it, and if that's what they like, then it would be different. But it's not like that. He demands that she service him. Sick.

So anyway, all is well in their world. They are fine. They talked about a lot of things. They relaxed.

And now I'm actually more concerned. Because we all know there will be another blowup, probably in about 2 weeks is my prediction. But will she tell us when it happens? Will she keep us engaged in helping her sort all this out? Or will she stop telling us anything, because when she does, she knows we won't forget; we won't let up. We can't let her dismiss what he does to her and to their children.

I will see her this Wednesday. She's coming to my house for a party. I will probably get a chance to talk to her more then. I know she is going to say that everything is fine, that they talked, and had a great time together. I don't know what I'll say. Knowing me I'll be all-too-honest after a couple glasses of wine. I'm trying to stay politically correct. I'm trying to stay out of their business. I'm trying to remind myself there's nothing I can do except make my own wise choices. But every time I hear that she said they had a great time, I can't help but think it's great until the next time she gets choked. And it will happen. Sooner than she is expecting, I'm sure.

7 Year Itch Approaching (not mine)

Oh where to begin. We've confirmed that her husband is totally unaware that anyone else knows about "this". Whatever this is, exactly. We've confirmed that he has no idea I know, that our other friend knows, and of course that BOTH our husbands also know. And all four of us are disgusted.

We've also confirmed he has no idea that she could spring The Big D on him at any moment. Divorce, that is. And while he frequently throws that word around like it's a trivial matter, she has never explained to him what she told us: That she is no longer in love with him. In other words, divorce may be inevitable, but he has no idea.

She has the upper hand. They have a prenup that she had him sign before they were married. The house is in her name. He's the working parent. He will be required to pay spousal support and child support.

I tend to see things in black and white. I don't understand not wanting to resolve a known issue. I can't understand taking such pains to hide it. That seems far more exhausting to me than actually addressing the issue.

I also can forgo black and white for a shade of gray, or light blue. And it is during those shady times when we learn the most about ourselves. How will we react when dealt with a low blow? What will we say when the hand we were dealt is not what we were expecting? Life is a series of chapters. Each one must be written before the next can begin. We control this for ourselves. We are accountable for our actions. Right?

This weekend they are going to a local resort to celebrate their 7 year anniversary. Celebrate seems like the wrong word. But they are planning massages, pool, dinner. I don't know what else. I actually get angry thinking about it. I wonder if she'll show him the brochure for family counseling that she picked up today at the OB-GYN office. I wonder if she'll insist on getting help for him. For them. For their family. I really doubt it. I have a feeling we're in for a long haul on this one.

Tonight he was overheard saying, "Oh wow, we've been married almost 7 years. If I make it, do I get a prize?"

He said this in a very sarcastic tone. He said this in front of his wife, his two children, and in front of friends. He continued to sarcastically remind everyone that in five days he will have been married for 7 years. She was not laughing. No one was laughing.

Are there any experts out there? My friend is being abused!

Remember I said that she has told me about this, and also another friend? The other friend talked to her as she was driving back from Miami.

She said they have to get help. That no one wants to get divorced. She said that they have to get counseling. That they must give it a chance. That she must feel like she has given it a chance.

She also said that he taunts their 2 year old daughter. Let's picture a nice, beautiful girl sitting quietly on the couch. Let's picture her feeling very content. Let's picture her dad walking up to her, taking the pacifier out of her mouth, and throwing it across the room. He then leaves, his daughter crying. He does not come back, not until she stops crying. He did this to her. To them.

She said this kind of thing goes on a lot. This, on top of the physical violence, of which we do not know how severe. This is why their son is a monster. I am sad beyond belief. I am so sad. I am so sad. I can't stop saying it. I am crying.

She did not return calls or text messages last night. From anyone. We did drive-bys. We did more drive-bys.

Today, we didn't hear from her at all. Late tonight I talked to her. She said that things are cold between them, but they have not been fighting. She said he is sleeping in the office. I am very certain that she is never fully honest. I told her I'd call her tomorrow. She said, "thank you".

My Friend went to Miami

They had been fighting most of this past week about a trip to Miami. Her best friend from college, a friend she has known almost 20 years, one she barely gets to see, would be in Miami. There would be a group of couples, and originally (supposedly), my friend and her asshole husband were going to spend the weekend in Miami with all these couples. Supposedly, the baby sitter fell apart, and that's when shit hit the fan early last week.

The story goes that babysitter canceled, or something, and then my friend and the asshole decided they weren't going to Miami. Then my friend decided she has to go anyway, to spend some much needed time with her oldest, bestest friend.

She presented the idea that she'd go and he stay home. She ended up getting choked. Literally. How could she fathom making the 2 hour trip to Miami without him? How could she fathom spending the night? How could she fathom that he would watch his children for once, alone, by himself. These are his kids too.

She would have to be punished for being so selfish. She would be choked. She'd be kicked out of the house. She started packing. She had no intention of leaving, but she wanted to. Shit, what about the kids?

She probably was fighting with him well into the night. Her kids would not sleep well, again. They will wake up a lot during the night. And very early in the morning. They will become physically ill. Some nights one or both of them have thrown up at least once, if not multiple times throughout the night.

She left for Miami this morning. I'm so glad. I'm so sad she has to come back.

This leaves him alone. With their two kids. His mom lives up the street. He calls her.

But first, he must attend a birthday party. One that I am attending with my family. I am angry that I have to see him today. I am so sad for his kids. For her kids. I see them. I try not to acknowledge him. I have to. A little. I am sad. I have to pretend. A lot.

He tells everyone he has no idea why his wife went to Miami. That he had no idea she was going. He lies. He is a liar. I am not able to fake it. I am not a fake.

She is in Miami. Back tomorrow afternoon. I will call her tomorrow night. I have a feeling he is not going to be happy to see her tomorrow.

My Friend Is Being Abused By Her Husband

I am back, I guess. Maybe for a little bit. Maybe I can get some things off my chest here in an anonymous way. I don't know what to do. I have a friend who is in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. They have two kids, and I now fully understand why her oldest, a son, has been growing up with what seems like rage in his system. You can see it. You can see him, a 4 year old, with anger, with physical-ness that scares me for his future. I've always known there is something "off" about him; maybe there really is. But there is so much more.

My friend told me that her husband attacks her, grabs her neck. He did this in front of their son the other day. He said to their son, "your mom is a fucking bitch". She told me that she has tried calling 911, on more than one occasion. Each time he got the phone away from her. He has cornered her in a closet. He has punched numerous holes in the walls, thrown dozens of wine glasses across the room. He has no appreciation for his wife, a stay-at-home mom I have always admired. She does everything you'd picture a good mom doing, and she does it all well. But she is hiding a secret, and she is deeply pained.

My friend is a good, Southern gal. She grew up in a good family, has very good manners, went to good schools, earned top grades, has a dizzying number of people she calls Friends, is an incredible cook, organizes her life and home better than Martha Stewart, and is fiercely loyal and incredibly warm and inviting. This is what her husband fell in love with. Today, these are the things he most criticizes her for. By telling her she is a failure. By constantly telling her she is worth nothing. This astounds me. To anyone who knows her well, he is one of the luckiest men around.

Nothing really bad has ever happened to my friend. She has always been a good girl. She has never tried drugs or cigarettes. No excessive parties. No arrests. No abortions. No scandals. Nothing. Her father passed away in a plane crash when she was in college. This was devastating to her, of course. But she has learned how to live with this and frequently talks to her dad today, when she is alone. I wonder if she talks to him about what her husband has done to her. I don't think so. She knows her dad would be honest with her. She knows he wouldn't stand for this. I'm sure she wishes he were here to help her figure this out.

Her sister lives just down the street, and her mom lives closeby too. They know nothing about this. I suspect they are aware that something is not right. But they don't know how horrible life is in the household where their beloved sister and daughter live.

My friend has no known marks or bruises, at least not that I've seen. But what she has described to me is beyond acceptable, of course. I know that. She knows that. But she doesn't know how to get out of this.

She is scared beyond belief. Scared to set him off. Scared to be at home after he has had too many glasses of wine. Scared to upset him by taking her restless children to the beach or pool. Seems like something a mom should be able to do, right? This leaves the house open so he can work. So he can have quiet time away from the kids. Well, no. He often accuses her of taking advantage of him. He tells her that she doesn't think of his feelings. That he should be the first person she is taking care of. Not the kids. And she especially should not be putting herself first.

He often leaves the house when he's not working. He goes to breakfast. He goes on overnight trips to see a client 3 hours away just so he can have a good night's sleep. He goes for pedicures and massages. He goes to their social club up the street to sit by the pool. By himself.

The rare opportunity she has to breathe and think alone, away from kids and life, he is phoning and texting her to get home. He tells her that she is selfish to be out of the house and that she should be at home, with him.

I know all this sounds fucked up. And unreasonable. And crazy. That she should leave. For her sake. For her kids. I know. I know. She knows.

She has only told me and another friend. Together, the three of us have spent countless hours crying, commiserating, supporting, and pleading with her to get out of there. To let us help. To stop the charade of pretending.

She has only told us because once you tell someone about something like this, you can't go back. She hasn't told numerous other friends because she wants to be able to keep up her social life. If she tells everyone that her husband beats her, will they still invite her to their parties?

I don't know what to do. These are her decisions. It's her life. But I am so hurt for her. And so scared for her safety. And I am horribly concerned for her two children.

I don't know if there's anything I can do.