Monday, June 1, 2009

The New Age of Friendship

I am at a total loss for words. I'm here to try document this. For myself, I guess. It's as though I went back in time, to high school, where egos are easily bruised, and cliques are tight. It's as though everything I thought we all had learned over time is completely irrelevant.

Tonight I went to my friend's house after work. This is the 'other' friend, the one who is also in the know about the beatings that we have heard so much about.

My husband and kids were there. How we all ended up there is irrelevant, but it shouldn't be. So there we are. We are making dinner. We are teaching each other how to make "healthy food". Whatever that is. That's what was going on. Lots of fun, silliness, and 5 kids running around.

A picture was posted on Facebook. And 3 minutes later, a text message, from the girl I've been telling you about:

Why is it that the ____ family is always left out of the mix? A tad upset over _________ but truly upset over tonight and the post on facebook? Thanks...
Whoa. Out of left fucking field. So you understand, the first blank is their last name and the second blank is a reference she made to another event in which a pic was posted on Facebook.

Not that I need to explain anything, but both events included circumstances that were not intentional or premeditated. I totally know and agree I don't have to explain it, but that's that truth.

So we're all in shock and awe. What the fuck. Do we respond? How? Does she seriously not: A) understand that she spilled her guts to us and said her husband beats her and she's not in love with him anymore? and, B) understand that shit happens? People get together, it's not personal?

Ok, yea, yea. I am going to say right now that I get that everyone has jealousy and it happens. It just happens that you wish you were somewhere you aint. But how is that my problem??

We hem and haw. My friend replies to the text. I forget what she said, but something like, 'Are you serious?'

We get another text. It says:
Totally upset... sad... disappointed..very...
Huh. Well then. Now what? We know we've done nothing wrong. And we still cannot understand why she would think we'd want to hang out with her family, as if nothing is wrong. Oh yea, and remember that one detail in the post below? Today is their 7 year anniversary!

We get another text. Its says:
Knew this would happen.... very upset...
Jesus christ. This is fucking ridiculous. So I finally reply. I say:
Knew what would happen?? I'm totally confused. We need to talk. Since tonight is your anniversary i'm assuming you're not available??
She never replied. My friend and I went outside to call her. She didn't answer. We left a message saying please call us. Nothing. We text her. We say something like, 'wow lots of texts and you can't talk?? pretty shitty.'

She says:
Me being shitty? Hardly. I go out of my way for both of u and am a complete friend all the time. u know that.. totally hurt by your actions...
and then another:
Heading to bed... exhausted...
Through the whole thing I only replied to her once and left her one voicemail. I am pretty hurt but not in a cry-my-eyes out way. I'm not stalking mad. I'm just so confused. How the fuck can she disregard everything she has said? She wants a fairy tale life.

I guess I am in untethered waters here. I don't know what's up or down at this point. I don't know where my place is or what I should say, or when, or to whom.

Yes, I know and understand that I'm writing about Facebook photos and text messages. That I haven't even talked to her. But I'm still unhinged. It's unreal to me that she would send messages like that. I understand she is angry and upset, and hurt. I don't understand what I did. I really don't.

I've decided to take what I've learned in life, and to finally apply it here. Right now. I'm not saying anything. I'm not replying with my one liners, my trite comments, my honesty. I'm staying quiet right now. We'll see what happens tomorrow.


Amy said...

Wow, hmmm. A few thoughts. She's trying to back-peddle, which is natural. She wants everything to be like it was "before" you knew the truth and is probably pretty hyper-sensitive to every move the "group" makes with or without them. And, she's playing a bit of game by telling you she's hurt when it is in fact, her 7 year anniversary...playing both sides a bit. Be honest with her though, you have to set boundaries where this dude is concerned you have a few values you can not just overlook, it makes you the kind of friend that you are.... I'd try and speak to her prior to the party, let her know you are extremely disappointed in him, that you are worried the same patterns will occur and that, given what you now know, the friendship has been altered a bit - how can it not be...but not where your loyalty and love for her are concerned.

meg said...

I have a different perspective. Maybe this is what makes the three of us good ole' friends til the end...

With that being said, I think this is about her right now. Not you. I don't mean "you" don't matter or are not important here, but that she needs ALL that you can give her right now and maybe for a long time.

She has confided something to you that is unspeakable that she has been holding inside for quite a long time. She trusts you two enough to tell you and with that means that she needs you both without having to say it. This doesn't mean that you dismiss your feelings and what you would do and all that, but she unfortunetly needs to be handled with kit-gloves right now and probably for a long time. But being such good friends that y'all are, you probably already knew/know this.

She is going through so much that anything will set her off. This isn't your problem, but hey, cut the girl some slack. She needs a lot of leniency and a lot of attention. I don't mean to say that you need to allow her to use this sitch to her advantage, but seriously, one life altering experience at a time.

She isn't as strong as you thought she was. She isn't together as much as you thought she appeared. She is hurting and crying inside. Telling her that "things have changed" is only going to add insult to injury. She doesn't need to hear that, she KNOWS it and needs y'all more now than ever!

I def reccomend looking into some books that help you and your friend come to grips with what is going on with her and some understanding or clarity that these books or research might provide into how she is acting.

She needs you help now NOT boundries.

Regardless, this sitch sucks and there is no right or wring way, but you do best with arming yourself with info and this is the time to understand what she is going through and arming yourself with resources to react, listen, deal, support her (and ultimalty yourselves!).

Good luck. You are a good friend.

Head Whiner said...

I agree with points you've both made. I can't concentrate. Other Friend did talk to her this morning. She's crying and saying she's so hurt and feels shit on. I guess I have to try to understand why she is feeling that way and try to console her. I also need to tell her that I do have values that are hard to overlook after everything she has told me. I'll keep you posted. Thank you.