Wednesday, May 27, 2009

7 Year Itch Approaching (not mine)

Oh where to begin. We've confirmed that her husband is totally unaware that anyone else knows about "this". Whatever this is, exactly. We've confirmed that he has no idea I know, that our other friend knows, and of course that BOTH our husbands also know. And all four of us are disgusted.

We've also confirmed he has no idea that she could spring The Big D on him at any moment. Divorce, that is. And while he frequently throws that word around like it's a trivial matter, she has never explained to him what she told us: That she is no longer in love with him. In other words, divorce may be inevitable, but he has no idea.

She has the upper hand. They have a prenup that she had him sign before they were married. The house is in her name. He's the working parent. He will be required to pay spousal support and child support.

I tend to see things in black and white. I don't understand not wanting to resolve a known issue. I can't understand taking such pains to hide it. That seems far more exhausting to me than actually addressing the issue.

I also can forgo black and white for a shade of gray, or light blue. And it is during those shady times when we learn the most about ourselves. How will we react when dealt with a low blow? What will we say when the hand we were dealt is not what we were expecting? Life is a series of chapters. Each one must be written before the next can begin. We control this for ourselves. We are accountable for our actions. Right?

This weekend they are going to a local resort to celebrate their 7 year anniversary. Celebrate seems like the wrong word. But they are planning massages, pool, dinner. I don't know what else. I actually get angry thinking about it. I wonder if she'll show him the brochure for family counseling that she picked up today at the OB-GYN office. I wonder if she'll insist on getting help for him. For them. For their family. I really doubt it. I have a feeling we're in for a long haul on this one.

Tonight he was overheard saying, "Oh wow, we've been married almost 7 years. If I make it, do I get a prize?"

He said this in a very sarcastic tone. He said this in front of his wife, his two children, and in front of friends. He continued to sarcastically remind everyone that in five days he will have been married for 7 years. She was not laughing. No one was laughing.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Are there any experts out there? My friend is being abused!

Remember I said that she has told me about this, and also another friend? The other friend talked to her as she was driving back from Miami.

She said they have to get help. That no one wants to get divorced. She said that they have to get counseling. That they must give it a chance. That she must feel like she has given it a chance.

She also said that he taunts their 2 year old daughter. Let's picture a nice, beautiful girl sitting quietly on the couch. Let's picture her feeling very content. Let's picture her dad walking up to her, taking the pacifier out of her mouth, and throwing it across the room. He then leaves, his daughter crying. He does not come back, not until she stops crying. He did this to her. To them.

She said this kind of thing goes on a lot. This, on top of the physical violence, of which we do not know how severe. This is why their son is a monster. I am sad beyond belief. I am so sad. I am so sad. I can't stop saying it. I am crying.

She did not return calls or text messages last night. From anyone. We did drive-bys. We did more drive-bys.

Today, we didn't hear from her at all. Late tonight I talked to her. She said that things are cold between them, but they have not been fighting. She said he is sleeping in the office. I am very certain that she is never fully honest. I told her I'd call her tomorrow. She said, "thank you".

Saturday, May 23, 2009

My Friend went to Miami

They had been fighting most of this past week about a trip to Miami. Her best friend from college, a friend she has known almost 20 years, one she barely gets to see, would be in Miami. There would be a group of couples, and originally (supposedly), my friend and her asshole husband were going to spend the weekend in Miami with all these couples. Supposedly, the baby sitter fell apart, and that's when shit hit the fan early last week.

The story goes that babysitter canceled, or something, and then my friend and the asshole decided they weren't going to Miami. Then my friend decided she has to go anyway, to spend some much needed time with her oldest, bestest friend.

She presented the idea that she'd go and he stay home. She ended up getting choked. Literally. How could she fathom making the 2 hour trip to Miami without him? How could she fathom spending the night? How could she fathom that he would watch his children for once, alone, by himself. These are his kids too.

She would have to be punished for being so selfish. She would be choked. She'd be kicked out of the house. She started packing. She had no intention of leaving, but she wanted to. Shit, what about the kids?

She probably was fighting with him well into the night. Her kids would not sleep well, again. They will wake up a lot during the night. And very early in the morning. They will become physically ill. Some nights one or both of them have thrown up at least once, if not multiple times throughout the night.

She left for Miami this morning. I'm so glad. I'm so sad she has to come back.

This leaves him alone. With their two kids. His mom lives up the street. He calls her.

But first, he must attend a birthday party. One that I am attending with my family. I am angry that I have to see him today. I am so sad for his kids. For her kids. I see them. I try not to acknowledge him. I have to. A little. I am sad. I have to pretend. A lot.

He tells everyone he has no idea why his wife went to Miami. That he had no idea she was going. He lies. He is a liar. I am not able to fake it. I am not a fake.

She is in Miami. Back tomorrow afternoon. I will call her tomorrow night. I have a feeling he is not going to be happy to see her tomorrow.

Friday, May 22, 2009

My Friend Is Being Abused By Her Husband

I am back, I guess. Maybe for a little bit. Maybe I can get some things off my chest here in an anonymous way. I don't know what to do. I have a friend who is in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. They have two kids, and I now fully understand why her oldest, a son, has been growing up with what seems like rage in his system. You can see it. You can see him, a 4 year old, with anger, with physical-ness that scares me for his future. I've always known there is something "off" about him; maybe there really is. But there is so much more.

My friend told me that her husband attacks her, grabs her neck. He did this in front of their son the other day. He said to their son, "your mom is a fucking bitch". She told me that she has tried calling 911, on more than one occasion. Each time he got the phone away from her. He has cornered her in a closet. He has punched numerous holes in the walls, thrown dozens of wine glasses across the room. He has no appreciation for his wife, a stay-at-home mom I have always admired. She does everything you'd picture a good mom doing, and she does it all well. But she is hiding a secret, and she is deeply pained.

My friend is a good, Southern gal. She grew up in a good family, has very good manners, went to good schools, earned top grades, has a dizzying number of people she calls Friends, is an incredible cook, organizes her life and home better than Martha Stewart, and is fiercely loyal and incredibly warm and inviting. This is what her husband fell in love with. Today, these are the things he most criticizes her for. By telling her she is a failure. By constantly telling her she is worth nothing. This astounds me. To anyone who knows her well, he is one of the luckiest men around.

Nothing really bad has ever happened to my friend. She has always been a good girl. She has never tried drugs or cigarettes. No excessive parties. No arrests. No abortions. No scandals. Nothing. Her father passed away in a plane crash when she was in college. This was devastating to her, of course. But she has learned how to live with this and frequently talks to her dad today, when she is alone. I wonder if she talks to him about what her husband has done to her. I don't think so. She knows her dad would be honest with her. She knows he wouldn't stand for this. I'm sure she wishes he were here to help her figure this out.

Her sister lives just down the street, and her mom lives closeby too. They know nothing about this. I suspect they are aware that something is not right. But they don't know how horrible life is in the household where their beloved sister and daughter live.

My friend has no known marks or bruises, at least not that I've seen. But what she has described to me is beyond acceptable, of course. I know that. She knows that. But she doesn't know how to get out of this.

She is scared beyond belief. Scared to set him off. Scared to be at home after he has had too many glasses of wine. Scared to upset him by taking her restless children to the beach or pool. Seems like something a mom should be able to do, right? This leaves the house open so he can work. So he can have quiet time away from the kids. Well, no. He often accuses her of taking advantage of him. He tells her that she doesn't think of his feelings. That he should be the first person she is taking care of. Not the kids. And she especially should not be putting herself first.

He often leaves the house when he's not working. He goes to breakfast. He goes on overnight trips to see a client 3 hours away just so he can have a good night's sleep. He goes for pedicures and massages. He goes to their social club up the street to sit by the pool. By himself.

The rare opportunity she has to breathe and think alone, away from kids and life, he is phoning and texting her to get home. He tells her that she is selfish to be out of the house and that she should be at home, with him.

I know all this sounds fucked up. And unreasonable. And crazy. That she should leave. For her sake. For her kids. I know. I know. She knows.

She has only told me and another friend. Together, the three of us have spent countless hours crying, commiserating, supporting, and pleading with her to get out of there. To let us help. To stop the charade of pretending.

She has only told us because once you tell someone about something like this, you can't go back. She hasn't told numerous other friends because she wants to be able to keep up her social life. If she tells everyone that her husband beats her, will they still invite her to their parties?

I don't know what to do. These are her decisions. It's her life. But I am so hurt for her. And so scared for her safety. And I am horribly concerned for her two children.

I don't know if there's anything I can do.