Monday, June 8, 2009

The Heart of the Matter

I had to process and download. It took several days. It totally exhausted me. My eyes were droopy and my head fucking hurt.

There were a lot of conversations. In the end I apologized, and I also said I didn't think I had done anything wrong. When I said I thought I hadn't done anything wrong I felt like I was being insensitive. She made me second guess myself.

We talked, sort of, about all the marriage drama. She basically told me that she feels ostracized for telling us about this. I told her she was wrong. Flat out wrong. This all started earlier than that.

She explained that she felt hurt. Sad. She was probably jealous. She didn't say so.

It turns out she had a terrible 7 year anniversary. I don't know the details, but I know it wasn't a happy day. And after cooking and cleaning and putting the kids to bed, she turned on Facebook to see what was up. She felt slapped in the face when she saw her good friends hanging out, again, without having been invited. I get it. That does suck.

She lashed out at us. We still don't know details of that day. It was supposed to have been her 7 year anniversary. But she ended the day pissed at us about a Facebook photo.

It all makes me think about myself. My own relationship. I realize I'm a real fucking loud mouth. I would not go one single day without bitching that mother fucker out. Without just leaving. I know the house could be mine, but I'd get the fuck out, with my kids. And then tell him to pack and get out.

Whatever. It's not about me. And she told me that.

She said that she doesn't want to talk about this every time she sees me. I am part of her escape; her way out. Less thinking. More drinking.

And now I'm stuck between my gut instinct and my friend's wishes. What is this place? I've never been here. I don't feel welcome.

How does it end?

There are three broad possibilities:

  1. He beats her or humiliates her to a point where she cannot ignore it publicly
  2. He leaves her
  3. My friendship with her ends, at some point down the road. It has already ended with her husband, and he knows it.
I think I can take them. Game on.

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