I've written several blog posts since Monday morning. They all come out sounding as if I'm complaining and I know I have nothing to complain about. So I scrap them.
I'm not so much complaining as I am trying to articulate my life. I wonder if I should just write it for myself. I wonder how much I will be critiqued and judged. I wonder why that makes me feel uncomfortable when I am the one who decided to create this outpost for my life, my emotions, my own personal aresnal of ways to make myself laugh.
I have a scary feeling that this blog will become very pregnancy and baby intensive over the next year. I could be wrong because I'm sure as shit known to go off on a tangent about something or other that may or may not make sense to you. I then wonder if this blog is for me or for you, whomever you may be. I then wonder who the fuck cares. I then wonder why I wonder so much.
When I say pregnancy and baby intensive I do not mean happy, frilly talk of cute clothes and maternity wear. I am not talking about sing-songy ways to describe the way I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm well aware that I will be receiving cute baby clothes and toys.
When I say pregnancy and baby intensive I am talking about me and only me. Too bad if that's selfish. I am pregnant. And this is my blog. So selfish is allowable.
When I say pregnancy and baby intensive I am talking about how my life will never be the same again. Yes it will be different from both a good and bad standpoint. My career will never be the same. My relationships will never be the same. I will never be the same.
Interestingly, 99.9% of all comments and conversations about this news has nothing to do with me or how I feel or how my life and my relationships are different, in an instant. That sentence sums up the enormity of the feelings and the intensity of the change that is about to occur. I've worked my ass off, I've made a good life for myself. I'm not complaining. But I will never be the same again and that declaration is huge to me.
Since I found out that I am pregnant we have informed the requisite parties and some others as well.
Here is a sampling of questions I have been getting:
Are you ready?
Do you have a name picked out?
What color will you paint the nursery?
Are you happy?
Are you excited?
What are you going to do about a babysitter?
Do you think it's a boy or a girl?
Are you still planning to do __________ (fill in the blank with some event, meeting or situation that really only affects the person asking me the question)
Are you fucking kidding me?
I don't know why I'm shocked. Maybe I'm just hormonal. I find it disgusting that most people cannot relate to something they aren't currently doing or feeling themself. I wonder if I am that way too. I'm going to try hard not to be.
This blog will talk about my struggles working a damn stressful job with enormous responsibility while trying to also be a damn good mom.
This blog will talk about my concerns with being both a career professional and a family person. Pregnancy and babies is a messy, scary, and completely humbling experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. But it's not always fun, and I'm not ever going to sugar coat it. I am me, and I will say what I feel and I will write my thoughts here. You may not agree and you may not like it. I invite discussion and debate. But please do not give me your sugary and sweet idea of who you think I should be, either now or later when I'm trying hard to take care of two kids. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.